Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time
NEVER EAT ALONE
THE SUMMARY IN BRIEF
Do you want to get ahead in life? Do you want to climb the ladder to personal success? Well, one thing is for certain: You can’t get there alone.
The secret to accomplishing personal career objectives can be found in reaching out to other people. What distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships — so that everyone wins.
In this summary, you will find the inner mind-set and many techniques you’ll need to build a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends and mentors.
The advice found in this summary is based on generosity and helping friends connect to other friends. It distinguishes genuine relationship-building from the crude, desperate glad-handing too often associated with the word “networking.” This summary also explains a system for building real relation- ships based primarily on the powerful principles of generosity and intimacy.
This summary is full of specific tips on handling rejection, getting past the gatekeepers, becoming a “conference commando,” and building and broadcasting your personal brand.
In addition, you will learn:
✓ Don’t keep score. It’s never simply about getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that the people important to you get what they want, too.
✓ “Ping” constantly. Reach out to your circle of contacts all the time, not just when you need something.
✓ Never eat alone. The dynamics of status are the same whether you’re working at the corporation or attending a society event — “invisibility” is a fate worse than failure.
✓ Find mentors and mentees. Successful people know they can’t be their best unless they have a good coach in their corner.
✓ Power is not about hoarding information. Today, real power comes from being indispensable, which comes from parceling out as much informa- tion, contact and good will to as many people — in as many different worlds — as possible. How much you give determines how much you’ll receive.
NEVER EAT ALONE
THE SUMMARY IN BRIEF
Do you want to get ahead in life? Do you want to climb the ladder to personal success? Well, one thing is for certain: You can’t get there alone.
The secret to accomplishing personal career objectives can be found in reaching out to other people. What distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships — so that everyone wins.
In this summary, you will find the inner mind-set and many techniques you’ll need to build a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, friends and mentors.
The advice found in this summary is based on generosity and helping friends connect to other friends. It distinguishes genuine relationship-building from the crude, desperate glad-handing too often associated with the word “networking.” This summary also explains a system for building real relation- ships based primarily on the powerful principles of generosity and intimacy.
This summary is full of specific tips on handling rejection, getting past the gatekeepers, becoming a “conference commando,” and building and broadcasting your personal brand.
In addition, you will learn:
✓ Don’t keep score. It’s never simply about getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that the people important to you get what they want, too.
✓ “Ping” constantly. Reach out to your circle of contacts all the time, not just when you need something.
✓ Never eat alone. The dynamics of status are the same whether you’re working at the corporation or attending a society event — “invisibility” is a fate worse than failure.
✓ Find mentors and mentees. Successful people know they can’t be their best unless they have a good coach in their corner.
✓ Power is not about hoarding information. Today, real power comes from being indispensable, which comes from parceling out as much informa- tion, contact and good will to as many people — in as many different worlds — as possible. How much you give determines how much you’ll receive.
The Mind-Set
Reaching out to people is a way to make a difference in their lives as well as a way to explore, learn and enrich your own.
Building a web of relationships isn’t the only thing you need to be successful. But building a career, and a life, with the help and support of friends, family and associates has many virtues. It’s never boring: You’re always learning about yourself, other people, business, and the world, and it feels great. Plus, a relationship-driven career is good for the companies you work for because everyone benefits from your own growth. And because today’s primary currency is information, a wide-reaching network is one of the surest ways to become and remain a thought leader.
Don’t Keep Score
A network functions precisely because there’s recogni- tion of mutual need. There’s no point in keeping track of favors done and owed. It’s better to give before you receive. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewards will follow suit.
A network is not finite like a pie. A pie can only be cut into so many pieces, and when you take a piece away there’s that much less for the future. Instead, think of your network as a muscle. The more you work it, the big- ger and stronger it gets.
What’s Your Mission?
Take time to discover your blue flame, where your pas- sion and talents intersect. Knowing what you want will inform how you build relationships to achieve your goals.
Here are two recommendations for your goal-setting and planning process:
● Put your goals to paper. Write down what you want to achieve in 10 years, three years, one year, and 60 days to work backward from great visions to the specific steps you must start taking immediately to get there.
● Think about who can help you achieve those goals. Write both the names of people and types of people you need to know for your success. Now, there are two ques- tions you ask and answer for each of your target contacts: How can you reach them? And what can you offer them, or how can you contribute to their success, too?
The more specific you are about where you want to go,
Reaching out to people is a way to make a difference in their lives as well as a way to explore, learn and enrich your own.
Building a web of relationships isn’t the only thing you need to be successful. But building a career, and a life, with the help and support of friends, family and associates has many virtues. It’s never boring: You’re always learning about yourself, other people, business, and the world, and it feels great. Plus, a relationship-driven career is good for the companies you work for because everyone benefits from your own growth. And because today’s primary currency is information, a wide-reaching network is one of the surest ways to become and remain a thought leader.
Don’t Keep Score
A network functions precisely because there’s recogni- tion of mutual need. There’s no point in keeping track of favors done and owed. It’s better to give before you receive. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewards will follow suit.
A network is not finite like a pie. A pie can only be cut into so many pieces, and when you take a piece away there’s that much less for the future. Instead, think of your network as a muscle. The more you work it, the big- ger and stronger it gets.
What’s Your Mission?
Take time to discover your blue flame, where your pas- sion and talents intersect. Knowing what you want will inform how you build relationships to achieve your goals.
Here are two recommendations for your goal-setting and planning process:
● Put your goals to paper. Write down what you want to achieve in 10 years, three years, one year, and 60 days to work backward from great visions to the specific steps you must start taking immediately to get there.
● Think about who can help you achieve those goals. Write both the names of people and types of people you need to know for your success. Now, there are two ques- tions you ask and answer for each of your target contacts: How can you reach them? And what can you offer them, or how can you contribute to their success, too?
The more specific you are about where you want to go,
the easier it is to develop a networking strategy to get there.
Build It Before You Need It
People say: “I just became unemployed. I need to start networking.”
No. You need to start job-hunting! You should have continually built relationships over the years so now that you need a job, you could make 20 calls and have five job offers waiting for you in a week. People are far more likely to help you if they already know you and like you. Think of the relationships you’ll need tomorrow, and start building them today.
Now what might stop you from reaching out to these people you need to know? Fear, maybe? People with a low tolerance for risk have a low propensity for success. Ultimately, you must choose between risking a little and striving for greatness or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person, no matter how seemingly beyond your reach, becomes an opportu- nity to succeed.
There is truly genius and kindness in audacity. You’ll be surprised by how many people want to help you and even more surprised by how much happiness they’ll get from doing it — happiness they can’t experience if you don’t let them know how to help you.
Build It Before You Need It
People say: “I just became unemployed. I need to start networking.”
No. You need to start job-hunting! You should have continually built relationships over the years so now that you need a job, you could make 20 calls and have five job offers waiting for you in a week. People are far more likely to help you if they already know you and like you. Think of the relationships you’ll need tomorrow, and start building them today.
Now what might stop you from reaching out to these people you need to know? Fear, maybe? People with a low tolerance for risk have a low propensity for success. Ultimately, you must choose between risking a little and striving for greatness or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person, no matter how seemingly beyond your reach, becomes an opportu- nity to succeed.
There is truly genius and kindness in audacity. You’ll be surprised by how many people want to help you and even more surprised by how much happiness they’ll get from doing it — happiness they can’t experience if you don’t let them know how to help you.
The Networking Jerk
The Networking Jerk is the person with the martini chilling in one hand, business cards flying out the other, and a pre-rehearsed elevator pitch raring to go. He or she is a schmooze artist, eyes darting all over in a constant search for a bigger fish to fry — the insecure, ruthlessly ambitious glad-hander you don’t want to become.
Here are a few quick tips to avoid becoming a Networking Jerk:
● Don’t schmooze. Engage in meaningful dialogue, even if it means spending a little more time with slightly fewer people.
● Don’t gossip.
● Don’t come to the party empty-handed. You’re only as good as what you give away.
● Don’t mistreat those under you.
● Be transparent. People respond with trust when they know you’re dealing straight with them. ■
The Skill Set
Do Your Homework
Before you meet someone new, get information about that person from the Internet, the library, or their com- pany’s PR department and annual reports. The more knowledge you have about someone’s personal priori- ties, passions, needs and interests, the easier it will be to connect, bond and impress.
Take Names
Maintain an electronic record of all the people you know and add to it whenever you meet new people or whenever you learn about people you want to meet. Use your résumé to jog your memory about people from your past and present: former teachers, employers, neighbors, classmates, customers and clients. Read an article about some movers and shakers you’d love to know? Save it for your “aspirational contacts” file. And whenever you identify potential suppliers, partners or clients, always take down names of people, not just their organizations.
Warming the Cold Call
Cold calls turn even the most competent of souls into a neurotic mess. Here’s how you can manage them:
● Take charge of your attitude. Think of meeting new people as a challenge and an opportunity that spark your competitive fires, and silence the wallflower within
The Networking Jerk is the person with the martini chilling in one hand, business cards flying out the other, and a pre-rehearsed elevator pitch raring to go. He or she is a schmooze artist, eyes darting all over in a constant search for a bigger fish to fry — the insecure, ruthlessly ambitious glad-hander you don’t want to become.
Here are a few quick tips to avoid becoming a Networking Jerk:
● Don’t schmooze. Engage in meaningful dialogue, even if it means spending a little more time with slightly fewer people.
● Don’t gossip.
● Don’t come to the party empty-handed. You’re only as good as what you give away.
● Don’t mistreat those under you.
● Be transparent. People respond with trust when they know you’re dealing straight with them. ■
The Skill Set
Do Your Homework
Before you meet someone new, get information about that person from the Internet, the library, or their com- pany’s PR department and annual reports. The more knowledge you have about someone’s personal priori- ties, passions, needs and interests, the easier it will be to connect, bond and impress.
Take Names
Maintain an electronic record of all the people you know and add to it whenever you meet new people or whenever you learn about people you want to meet. Use your résumé to jog your memory about people from your past and present: former teachers, employers, neighbors, classmates, customers and clients. Read an article about some movers and shakers you’d love to know? Save it for your “aspirational contacts” file. And whenever you identify potential suppliers, partners or clients, always take down names of people, not just their organizations.
Warming the Cold Call
Cold calls turn even the most competent of souls into a neurotic mess. Here’s how you can manage them:
● Take charge of your attitude. Think of meeting new people as a challenge and an opportunity that spark your competitive fires, and silence the wallflower within
that shies away from socially adventuresome behavior.
● Find a mutual friend to introduce you, or at least
find commonalities by doing your homework.
● State your value. Quickly show that you’ve done your homework, you know their problems — and you
have solutions.
● Talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient
and definitive.
● Offer a compromise. Ask for more than you want
at first, so you can later settle for something that’s still desirable.
Managing the Gatekeeper — Artfully
It can be quite difficult to reach important people these days. So make their gatekeepers your allies. Acknowledge their help and thank them tangibly, with a phone call or a note.
Charm gatekeepers with your respect, humor and com- passion, and there will be few gates that aren’t open to you.
Never Eat Alone
Invisibility is far worse than failure. Keep your calendar full so if one meeting goes sour, you have six others lined up. And if you mix professional contacts and personal friends at a fun dinner, it’s like cloning yourself. You can start new relationships and renew old ones all at once.
Share Your Passions
When it comes to meeting people, it’s not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them. Get involved in activities you enjoy and causes you believe in, and invite others to join you. You’ll see each other in the best light when you’re doing things you love.
Sharing your passions is especially important if you have a busy schedule. Bringing other people into things you are doing anyway provides many opportunities to start new relationships and strengthen old ones in no extra time.
When our relationships are stronger, our businesses and careers are more successful.
Follow Up or Fail
In our world of information overload, it’s extremely important to take extra steps to ensure that you won’t be lost in their mental attic.
Give yourself 12 to 24 hours to follow up. Focus on what you might be able to do for them. Don’t remind them of what they can do for you.
Make follow-up a habit, and forgetting names and los- ing contact will become a thing of the past.
Be a Conference Commando
If you’re going to invest the time and money into
find commonalities by doing your homework.
● State your value. Quickly show that you’ve done your homework, you know their problems — and you
have solutions.
● Talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient
and definitive.
● Offer a compromise. Ask for more than you want
at first, so you can later settle for something that’s still desirable.
Managing the Gatekeeper — Artfully
It can be quite difficult to reach important people these days. So make their gatekeepers your allies. Acknowledge their help and thank them tangibly, with a phone call or a note.
Charm gatekeepers with your respect, humor and com- passion, and there will be few gates that aren’t open to you.
Never Eat Alone
Invisibility is far worse than failure. Keep your calendar full so if one meeting goes sour, you have six others lined up. And if you mix professional contacts and personal friends at a fun dinner, it’s like cloning yourself. You can start new relationships and renew old ones all at once.
Share Your Passions
When it comes to meeting people, it’s not only whom you get to know but also how and where you get to know them. Get involved in activities you enjoy and causes you believe in, and invite others to join you. You’ll see each other in the best light when you’re doing things you love.
Sharing your passions is especially important if you have a busy schedule. Bringing other people into things you are doing anyway provides many opportunities to start new relationships and strengthen old ones in no extra time.
When our relationships are stronger, our businesses and careers are more successful.
Follow Up or Fail
In our world of information overload, it’s extremely important to take extra steps to ensure that you won’t be lost in their mental attic.
Give yourself 12 to 24 hours to follow up. Focus on what you might be able to do for them. Don’t remind them of what they can do for you.
Make follow-up a habit, and forgetting names and los- ing contact will become a thing of the past.
Be a Conference Commando
If you’re going to invest the time and money into
The Skill Set
attending a conference, here are five ways to improve your return on investment:
1. Know your targets. Get the list of attendees beforehand and decide which people you most want to meet.
2. Strike early. There’s no reason you have to wait for the conference to make initial contact. Reach out beforehand to begin your conversation or at least arrange to meet at the conference.
3. Work the breaks. Between conference sessions is when you should focus on meeting people, not bolting off to check e-mail or voice messages.
4. Master the “deep bump.” When you meet some- one, skip the small talk as quickly as possible. Talk about your passions and struggles to create instant inti- macy. Then bump — establish a reason to reconnect later and move on to meet more people.
5. Remember that you’re there to meet the atten- dees, not the speakers. But if you must meet the speak- ers, introduce yourself before their talks because after- ward they will be mobbed like instant celebrities.
Connecting With Connectors
If you’re only six degrees separated from everyone in the world, it’s because some people know a lot more people than others do. They are super-connectors, and four examples are restaurateurs, headhunters, politicians and journalists.
Such people should be the cornerstones of any flour- ishing network because being connected to them means you’re also loosely connected to many more people, often from very different worlds than yours, which can be valuable when you need expertise not possessed by your close friends.
Your “weak ties” are important. Most of your strong contacts live in the same world as you. But your weak ties are hanging out with different people, often in different worlds, with access to a whole inventory of information that’s unavailable to you and your close friends.
Once you become friendly with a super-connector, you’re only a couple of steps away from the thousands of people whom that person knows.
Expanding Your Circle
Another great method for expanding your circle is sharing networks with a friend.
Everyone in your network is a partner with whom you can exchange networks. Is there a world you want more access to? Then find someone in that world to be your one-person host committee.
attending a conference, here are five ways to improve your return on investment:
1. Know your targets. Get the list of attendees beforehand and decide which people you most want to meet.
2. Strike early. There’s no reason you have to wait for the conference to make initial contact. Reach out beforehand to begin your conversation or at least arrange to meet at the conference.
3. Work the breaks. Between conference sessions is when you should focus on meeting people, not bolting off to check e-mail or voice messages.
4. Master the “deep bump.” When you meet some- one, skip the small talk as quickly as possible. Talk about your passions and struggles to create instant inti- macy. Then bump — establish a reason to reconnect later and move on to meet more people.
5. Remember that you’re there to meet the atten- dees, not the speakers. But if you must meet the speak- ers, introduce yourself before their talks because after- ward they will be mobbed like instant celebrities.
Connecting With Connectors
If you’re only six degrees separated from everyone in the world, it’s because some people know a lot more people than others do. They are super-connectors, and four examples are restaurateurs, headhunters, politicians and journalists.
Such people should be the cornerstones of any flour- ishing network because being connected to them means you’re also loosely connected to many more people, often from very different worlds than yours, which can be valuable when you need expertise not possessed by your close friends.
Your “weak ties” are important. Most of your strong contacts live in the same world as you. But your weak ties are hanging out with different people, often in different worlds, with access to a whole inventory of information that’s unavailable to you and your close friends.
Once you become friendly with a super-connector, you’re only a couple of steps away from the thousands of people whom that person knows.
Expanding Your Circle
Another great method for expanding your circle is sharing networks with a friend.
Everyone in your network is a partner with whom you can exchange networks. Is there a world you want more access to? Then find someone in that world to be your one-person host committee.
the partnership can work wonderfully, if the underlying
dynamic is win-win. Be sure that you adequately
acknowledge the other person, and do so in all the sub-
sequent connections that he or she helped foster.
Never give any one person access to all your contacts. Exchanging contacts should take place around specific events, functions or causes.
Consider carefully how your partner is using your net- work and how you expect to use his or hers. You thus create genuine reciprocity.
Try co-hosting an event with someone in your net- work. Each of you can invite half the guest list, do half the work, and cover half the cost. And in the process, you can meet and introduce your friends to a whole new set of contacts you didn’t have before. It’s a real win- win situation.
The Art of Small Talk
In all of this, of course, small talk plays a part.
We all have what it takes to charm everyone around us. But having it and knowing how to work it — that’s the difference between going through life in the shad- ows and commanding center stage.
The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave the other person really liking and understanding you.
The secret to sparking deep, sincere connections is giving people a glimpse of our humanity by sharing intimate information like our greatest dreams and strug- gles and showing genuine empathy for theirs, as well.
Vulnerability is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today. Too many people confuse secrecy with importance. But today, power comes from sharing information, not withholding it.
Everyone has something in common with everyone else. But to find the similarities, we must open up and expose our interests and concerns, allowing others to do likewise.
“Breaking the ice” is not necessarily a witty or insightful remark. The key to connecting may be simply to get away from the mundane, to take a risk, because the conversation might just turn to something interesting or personally insightful — and lead to a real relation- ship.
If — instead of shallow, run-of-the-mill conversations with strangers who remain strangers — we give people a glimpse of our humanity, we can create the opportuni- ty for deep connection.
Charm is simply a matter of being yourself. Your uniqueness is your power. ■
Never give any one person access to all your contacts. Exchanging contacts should take place around specific events, functions or causes.
Consider carefully how your partner is using your net- work and how you expect to use his or hers. You thus create genuine reciprocity.
Try co-hosting an event with someone in your net- work. Each of you can invite half the guest list, do half the work, and cover half the cost. And in the process, you can meet and introduce your friends to a whole new set of contacts you didn’t have before. It’s a real win- win situation.
The Art of Small Talk
In all of this, of course, small talk plays a part.
We all have what it takes to charm everyone around us. But having it and knowing how to work it — that’s the difference between going through life in the shad- ows and commanding center stage.
The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave the other person really liking and understanding you.
The secret to sparking deep, sincere connections is giving people a glimpse of our humanity by sharing intimate information like our greatest dreams and strug- gles and showing genuine empathy for theirs, as well.
Vulnerability is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today. Too many people confuse secrecy with importance. But today, power comes from sharing information, not withholding it.
Everyone has something in common with everyone else. But to find the similarities, we must open up and expose our interests and concerns, allowing others to do likewise.
“Breaking the ice” is not necessarily a witty or insightful remark. The key to connecting may be simply to get away from the mundane, to take a risk, because the conversation might just turn to something interesting or personally insightful — and lead to a real relation- ship.
If — instead of shallow, run-of-the-mill conversations with strangers who remain strangers — we give people a glimpse of our humanity, we can create the opportuni- ty for deep connection.
Charm is simply a matter of being yourself. Your uniqueness is your power. ■
Turning Connections
Into Compatriots
Health, Wealth and Children
Pay careful attention to these three things that engen- der the deepest emotional bonds between people: health, wealth and children.
When you support people during an illness, help increase their personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender lifelong loyalty.
You help them fulfill their most basic needs — and allow them to move up Maslow’s pyramid of needs to address some of their higher desires.
Social Arbitrage
Today, instead of gaining power by monopolizing information (and making many people angry in the process), we practice social arbitrage: a constant and open exchange of favors and intelligence.
When someone mentions a problem, try to think of solutions, from your experience and knowledge, from your tool kit of friends and associates. If you can pull out your cell phone and make a helpful call, don’t wait to be asked. Just do it.
Constantly introduce people who might benefit from knowing each other. Their success — and yours — absolutely depends on it because who you know deter- mines how effectively you can apply what you know.
Even if you don’t know any important people who’d want to know you, social arbitrage isn’t difficult. The solution is knowledge, one of the most valuable curren- cies in social arbitrage. It’s free: It’s in books and arti- cles, on the Internet, pretty much everywhere, and it’s precious to everyone.
Start right away by identifying some of the leading thinkers and writers in your field. If they have a book on the market, read it.
Take notes summarizing the “big idea” and why it’s relevant to the people you want to benefit with your knowledge. Next, pick a few people, some of whom you know well and some you don’t, and e-mail them your thoughts. All you have to say is “here are some cool ideas I think you’d like to be on top of.”
Presto! You’re now a knowledge broker. You might also forward some particularly helpful article you’ve read. Or — if the book is especially interesting and you really want to make an impression — send the book itself.
This kind of reaching out does take time and a certain thoughtfulness. But that’s exactly why it’s so appreciat- ed. Facilitating all those connections is what being a modern day “power broker” is all about. You can be more successful in two months by becoming really inter- ested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get people interested in your own success. Pinging — All the Time
Into Compatriots
Health, Wealth and Children
Pay careful attention to these three things that engen- der the deepest emotional bonds between people: health, wealth and children.
When you support people during an illness, help increase their personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender lifelong loyalty.
You help them fulfill their most basic needs — and allow them to move up Maslow’s pyramid of needs to address some of their higher desires.
Social Arbitrage
Today, instead of gaining power by monopolizing information (and making many people angry in the process), we practice social arbitrage: a constant and open exchange of favors and intelligence.
When someone mentions a problem, try to think of solutions, from your experience and knowledge, from your tool kit of friends and associates. If you can pull out your cell phone and make a helpful call, don’t wait to be asked. Just do it.
Constantly introduce people who might benefit from knowing each other. Their success — and yours — absolutely depends on it because who you know deter- mines how effectively you can apply what you know.
Even if you don’t know any important people who’d want to know you, social arbitrage isn’t difficult. The solution is knowledge, one of the most valuable curren- cies in social arbitrage. It’s free: It’s in books and arti- cles, on the Internet, pretty much everywhere, and it’s precious to everyone.
Start right away by identifying some of the leading thinkers and writers in your field. If they have a book on the market, read it.
Take notes summarizing the “big idea” and why it’s relevant to the people you want to benefit with your knowledge. Next, pick a few people, some of whom you know well and some you don’t, and e-mail them your thoughts. All you have to say is “here are some cool ideas I think you’d like to be on top of.”
Presto! You’re now a knowledge broker. You might also forward some particularly helpful article you’ve read. Or — if the book is especially interesting and you really want to make an impression — send the book itself.
This kind of reaching out does take time and a certain thoughtfulness. But that’s exactly why it’s so appreciat- ed. Facilitating all those connections is what being a modern day “power broker” is all about. You can be more successful in two months by becoming really inter- ested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get people interested in your own success. Pinging — All the Time
Eighty percent of relationships is just staying in touch.
“Pinging” is a quick, casual greeting that can be done in
many creative ways. Once you develop your own style,
you’ll find it easier to stay in touch with more people —
and in less time — than you ever imagined.
People you’ve just met need to encounter your name in at least three modes of communication — e-mail, phone call, face to face — before there’s substantive recognition.
As far as content is concerned, there’s the “I just called to say I care” ping that is used for closer con- tacts. Let them know it’s been too long since you’ve spoken.
For people important to your career or business, favor the value-added ping. Perhaps you want to recognize that someone has been promoted, or the company had a good quarter. Send relevant articles, short notes of advice, or other small tokens that convey that you’re thinking of them and eager to help.
Avoid pinging at holiday time when everyone is over- whelmed with mail. But do recognize people’s birthdays.
Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them
Never underestimate the connecting power of a shared meal in your own home. Always invite plenty of famil- iar faces so the atmosphere is immediately warm and fun to welcome new recruits. To attract those newcom- ers, especially if their prestige and experience are above yours, you’ll need an “anchor tenant” to lend some cachet to your dinner party. These people are outside and a few levels above your immediate group of friends — could be mentors, your parents’ friends, esteemed teachers or even religious leaders. They know different people, have experienced different things, and thus have much to teach.
Identifying and inviting an anchor tenant isn’t hard. Someone you know is probably close enough to such an individual that an invitation will be well received.
Take notice when special names pop up in your friends’ stories and you’ll have yourself a steady supply of star guests to anchor your parties.
Journalists are terrific anchor guests. So are artists and actors. If you can’t pull in a person who’s as prominent as you might like, try to get someone with proximity to power, e.g., a consultant to an interesting politician or the COO under a famous CEO.
Six to 10 guests are about right. Don’t invite too many business associates — the conversation will be about only one thing. ■
People you’ve just met need to encounter your name in at least three modes of communication — e-mail, phone call, face to face — before there’s substantive recognition.
As far as content is concerned, there’s the “I just called to say I care” ping that is used for closer con- tacts. Let them know it’s been too long since you’ve spoken.
For people important to your career or business, favor the value-added ping. Perhaps you want to recognize that someone has been promoted, or the company had a good quarter. Send relevant articles, short notes of advice, or other small tokens that convey that you’re thinking of them and eager to help.
Avoid pinging at holiday time when everyone is over- whelmed with mail. But do recognize people’s birthdays.
Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them
Never underestimate the connecting power of a shared meal in your own home. Always invite plenty of famil- iar faces so the atmosphere is immediately warm and fun to welcome new recruits. To attract those newcom- ers, especially if their prestige and experience are above yours, you’ll need an “anchor tenant” to lend some cachet to your dinner party. These people are outside and a few levels above your immediate group of friends — could be mentors, your parents’ friends, esteemed teachers or even religious leaders. They know different people, have experienced different things, and thus have much to teach.
Identifying and inviting an anchor tenant isn’t hard. Someone you know is probably close enough to such an individual that an invitation will be well received.
Take notice when special names pop up in your friends’ stories and you’ll have yourself a steady supply of star guests to anchor your parties.
Journalists are terrific anchor guests. So are artists and actors. If you can’t pull in a person who’s as prominent as you might like, try to get someone with proximity to power, e.g., a consultant to an interesting politician or the COO under a famous CEO.
Six to 10 guests are about right. Don’t invite too many business associates — the conversation will be about only one thing. ■
Trading Up and Giving Back
Be Interesting
How can you offer anything of value if you haven’t thought about how you want to stand out and differenti- ate yourself? Be someone worth talking to — even bet- ter, someone worth talking about.
Keep up with what’s going on in the world. Pay attention to interesting tidbits you hear; remember them so that you can pass them along to people you meet. Be aware of your intellectual property and have a unique point of view. In every job and stage of your career, make sure you create your own content and build some expertise that differenti- ates you from others and increases your value.
Content creates precious opportunities to gain credibility and visibility. It can be a cause, an idea, a trend or a skill. It’s the unique subject matter on which you are the authori- ty. Content creators have always been in high demand. So immerse yourself in a subject. Get to know all the thought leaders; be familiar with the literature. Then dis- till that into a message about the idea’s broader impact on others and its application in your industry. Then do what experts do: Talk, write and speak about your expertise.
There’s no better way to learn something — and become an expert at it — than to teach it. Challenge yourself by taking projects that call for skills or experi- ences you don’t have. Start today to figure out what exceptional expertise you’re going to master that will provide real value to your network.
Build Your Brand
If you’re not distinct, you’re extinct. A powerful per- sonal brand is a great advantage in building relation- ships. A credible, distinctive and trustworthy identity attracts more people to you or your cause, and you’ll find it easier to win new friends and have more of a say in what you do and where you work.
Your career is yours and yours alone to manage. You can affect people’s perceptions of you — if you become relentlessly focused on what you do to add value.
Do you initiate new projects on your own and in your spare time? Do you search out ways to save or make your company more money? Or do you prefer to avoid risk — to respect the chain of command and follow your job description to the letter?
You can’t do meaningful work that makes a difference unless you’re devoted to learning, growing and stretching your skills. If you want others to redefine what you do and who you are, you must be able to redefine yourself.
Broadcast Your Brand
People who are known beyond the walls of their cubicle are more successful than colleagues of equal ability. They find jobs more easily. They rise up the corporate ladder
Be Interesting
How can you offer anything of value if you haven’t thought about how you want to stand out and differenti- ate yourself? Be someone worth talking to — even bet- ter, someone worth talking about.
Keep up with what’s going on in the world. Pay attention to interesting tidbits you hear; remember them so that you can pass them along to people you meet. Be aware of your intellectual property and have a unique point of view. In every job and stage of your career, make sure you create your own content and build some expertise that differenti- ates you from others and increases your value.
Content creates precious opportunities to gain credibility and visibility. It can be a cause, an idea, a trend or a skill. It’s the unique subject matter on which you are the authori- ty. Content creators have always been in high demand. So immerse yourself in a subject. Get to know all the thought leaders; be familiar with the literature. Then dis- till that into a message about the idea’s broader impact on others and its application in your industry. Then do what experts do: Talk, write and speak about your expertise.
There’s no better way to learn something — and become an expert at it — than to teach it. Challenge yourself by taking projects that call for skills or experi- ences you don’t have. Start today to figure out what exceptional expertise you’re going to master that will provide real value to your network.
Build Your Brand
If you’re not distinct, you’re extinct. A powerful per- sonal brand is a great advantage in building relation- ships. A credible, distinctive and trustworthy identity attracts more people to you or your cause, and you’ll find it easier to win new friends and have more of a say in what you do and where you work.
Your career is yours and yours alone to manage. You can affect people’s perceptions of you — if you become relentlessly focused on what you do to add value.
Do you initiate new projects on your own and in your spare time? Do you search out ways to save or make your company more money? Or do you prefer to avoid risk — to respect the chain of command and follow your job description to the letter?
You can’t do meaningful work that makes a difference unless you’re devoted to learning, growing and stretching your skills. If you want others to redefine what you do and who you are, you must be able to redefine yourself.
Broadcast Your Brand
People who are known beyond the walls of their cubicle are more successful than colleagues of equal ability. They find jobs more easily. They rise up the corporate ladder
faster. Their networks grow without much heavy lifting.
If you don’t promote yourself — albeit graciously — no
one else will. Luckily, there are many ways to get the word out. Journalists get most of their stories from people who sought them out. And they tend to follow the herd. So once you get written about, other reporters will come calling. If they’ve been assigned to write about you, they’ll do a Google search, find you’re already a cited source — and seek you out to cite you again. The key is to view the exposure of your brand as a PR campaign. How are you going to get your message out there?
Your network is a good start. Everyone you meet should know what you do, why you’re doing it, and how you can do it for him or her. But why not broadcast the same message to a thousand networks?
“Influentials” are the people who can ignite buzz. They’re the celebrities and experts whose word is gospel to the public. Identify those people and get your brand in front of them.
Your PR campaign has to be realistic. You’ll probably have to start small, focusing on your local paper, high school and college newsletters, or industry trade jour- nals. The point is to light the fire.
Start getting to know members of the media before you have a story you’d like them to write. Call regularly to stay in touch. Give them scoops on your industry. Establish yourself as a ready source of information; offer to be interviewed.
Once you get an article published, give it to your alumni magazine or attach it to an e-mail and distribute it to your other networking partners. Use it to get even more press coverage.
Your circle of friends, colleagues, clients and cus- tomers is your most powerful vehicle for getting out the word about what you do. What they say about you will ultimately determine the value of your brand.
The Write Stuff
If you have any writing skills at all, you can get close to almost anyone by doing an article on them — or with them. Writing articles provides instant credibility and visibility.
(continued on page 7)
If you don’t promote yourself — albeit graciously — no
one else will. Luckily, there are many ways to get the word out. Journalists get most of their stories from people who sought them out. And they tend to follow the herd. So once you get written about, other reporters will come calling. If they’ve been assigned to write about you, they’ll do a Google search, find you’re already a cited source — and seek you out to cite you again. The key is to view the exposure of your brand as a PR campaign. How are you going to get your message out there?
Your network is a good start. Everyone you meet should know what you do, why you’re doing it, and how you can do it for him or her. But why not broadcast the same message to a thousand networks?
“Influentials” are the people who can ignite buzz. They’re the celebrities and experts whose word is gospel to the public. Identify those people and get your brand in front of them.
Your PR campaign has to be realistic. You’ll probably have to start small, focusing on your local paper, high school and college newsletters, or industry trade jour- nals. The point is to light the fire.
Start getting to know members of the media before you have a story you’d like them to write. Call regularly to stay in touch. Give them scoops on your industry. Establish yourself as a ready source of information; offer to be interviewed.
Once you get an article published, give it to your alumni magazine or attach it to an e-mail and distribute it to your other networking partners. Use it to get even more press coverage.
Your circle of friends, colleagues, clients and cus- tomers is your most powerful vehicle for getting out the word about what you do. What they say about you will ultimately determine the value of your brand.
The Write Stuff
If you have any writing skills at all, you can get close to almost anyone by doing an article on them — or with them. Writing articles provides instant credibility and visibility.
(continued on page 7)
How to Get Recognition
There are countless ways to get recognition. Try moonlighting. Take on freelance projects that will put you in touch with a whole new group of people.
Or, within your company, take on extra projects that might showcase your skills. Teach a class or give a workshop.
There are countless ways to get recognition. Try moonlighting. Take on freelance projects that will put you in touch with a whole new group of people.
Or, within your company, take on extra projects that might showcase your skills. Teach a class or give a workshop.
Trading Up and Giving Back
It can create relationships with highly respected people and help you develop skills that are always in high demand.
First, focus on your content. What kinds of interesting things are going on in your industry or personal life? Have you learned to do what you do differently? Have you found an easier and more effective way of doing it?
Once you’ve got a hook — some subject you’d like to explore and you think others will find interesting — get in touch with an editor who might publish the material. Community newspapers, professional newsletters, even in-house company publications — all have space they need to fill. All you want is tentative buy-in that you can use to gain access to others in researching the piece.
When you set up an interview for the article, you’ve established a terrific environment for meeting anyone. The subject of conversation is something you know the other person is fascinated with — and on which you’re well-informed yourself. It’s truly an opportunity to shine!
Express your high regard for the other person’s insights; say that you’ll welcome co-authorship. Once you begin to collaborate, ask the person to open his or her network to you for additional research and interviews. Immediately, you’re expanding your network exponen- tially with contacts who might otherwise be out of reach.
Whether the article is published or not, you’ve man- aged to learn a great deal and meet people who could be important to your future. And you have a very good rea- son to stay in touch with them.
Getting Close to Power
The conscious pursuit of people with power and celebrity is often seen as an expression of vanity and superficiality. But seeking the influence of powerful people can be enormously helpful — especially since no one ever makes it without the help of many others.
Celebrities often have qualities or skills we admire. Many have achieved great things through risk, passion, focus, hard work, and positive attitudes.
They have a disproportionate degree of influence over the group they inhabit. Similarly, local mini-celebrities can do the same for your personal brand. You’ll acquire the power that comes from being identified with influential people.
All your efforts to reach out to people will be far less effective if a few of those people aren’t well-known names. People who get ahead are usually those who know how to make highly placed people feel good about having them around. The problem is that celebri- ties are often not all that anxious to meet the average Joe. So how to get close to them?
There are no easy answers. But if you pursue these people sincerely, with good intentions, you’re not being
It can create relationships with highly respected people and help you develop skills that are always in high demand.
First, focus on your content. What kinds of interesting things are going on in your industry or personal life? Have you learned to do what you do differently? Have you found an easier and more effective way of doing it?
Once you’ve got a hook — some subject you’d like to explore and you think others will find interesting — get in touch with an editor who might publish the material. Community newspapers, professional newsletters, even in-house company publications — all have space they need to fill. All you want is tentative buy-in that you can use to gain access to others in researching the piece.
When you set up an interview for the article, you’ve established a terrific environment for meeting anyone. The subject of conversation is something you know the other person is fascinated with — and on which you’re well-informed yourself. It’s truly an opportunity to shine!
Express your high regard for the other person’s insights; say that you’ll welcome co-authorship. Once you begin to collaborate, ask the person to open his or her network to you for additional research and interviews. Immediately, you’re expanding your network exponen- tially with contacts who might otherwise be out of reach.
Whether the article is published or not, you’ve man- aged to learn a great deal and meet people who could be important to your future. And you have a very good rea- son to stay in touch with them.
Getting Close to Power
The conscious pursuit of people with power and celebrity is often seen as an expression of vanity and superficiality. But seeking the influence of powerful people can be enormously helpful — especially since no one ever makes it without the help of many others.
Celebrities often have qualities or skills we admire. Many have achieved great things through risk, passion, focus, hard work, and positive attitudes.
They have a disproportionate degree of influence over the group they inhabit. Similarly, local mini-celebrities can do the same for your personal brand. You’ll acquire the power that comes from being identified with influential people.
All your efforts to reach out to people will be far less effective if a few of those people aren’t well-known names. People who get ahead are usually those who know how to make highly placed people feel good about having them around. The problem is that celebri- ties are often not all that anxious to meet the average Joe. So how to get close to them?
There are no easy answers. But if you pursue these people sincerely, with good intentions, you’re not being
manipulative. And eventually the time will come when
you find yourself face to face with power — simply by
reaching out.
When you get this inevitable opportunity, remember that trust is essential — trust that you have no ulterior motives, that you’ll deal with the celebrity as a person, not a star. The first few moments of an encounter are the litmus test for someone to determine whether he or she can trust you — or not.
Just remember that famous and powerful people are first and foremost people: They’re proud, sad, insecure and hopeful, and if you can help them achieve their goals, they’ll be appreciative.
If you want to meet movers and shakers, you have to become a joiner. People can be amazingly accessible at events that speak to their interests — political fund-raisers, conferences, nonprofit boards, and sports (especially golf).
Never Give in to Hubris
The closer you get to powerful people, the more pow- erful you tend to feel. But don’t let vanity seep into your actions and create an unwarranted sense of entitle- ment.
It’s not enough to get things done. You must make people around you feel involved — not just part of the process, but part of the leadership. Your association with powerful people shouldn’t intoxicate you into assuming that they’ve agreed to things they haven’t agreed to.
Arrogance is a disease that can betray you into forget- ting your real friends — and why they’re so important. It will stir up other people’s ire. So be humble. Help others up the mountain. Never let the prospect of a pow- erful or famous acquaintance make you lose sight of the fact that the most valuable connections you have are those you’ve already made. Go out of your way to tell
When you get this inevitable opportunity, remember that trust is essential — trust that you have no ulterior motives, that you’ll deal with the celebrity as a person, not a star. The first few moments of an encounter are the litmus test for someone to determine whether he or she can trust you — or not.
Just remember that famous and powerful people are first and foremost people: They’re proud, sad, insecure and hopeful, and if you can help them achieve their goals, they’ll be appreciative.
If you want to meet movers and shakers, you have to become a joiner. People can be amazingly accessible at events that speak to their interests — political fund-raisers, conferences, nonprofit boards, and sports (especially golf).
Never Give in to Hubris
The closer you get to powerful people, the more pow- erful you tend to feel. But don’t let vanity seep into your actions and create an unwarranted sense of entitle- ment.
It’s not enough to get things done. You must make people around you feel involved — not just part of the process, but part of the leadership. Your association with powerful people shouldn’t intoxicate you into assuming that they’ve agreed to things they haven’t agreed to.
Arrogance is a disease that can betray you into forget- ting your real friends — and why they’re so important. It will stir up other people’s ire. So be humble. Help others up the mountain. Never let the prospect of a pow- erful or famous acquaintance make you lose sight of the fact that the most valuable connections you have are those you’ve already made. Go out of your way to tell
Build It and They Will Come
If elite organizations are closed to you, the best alternative is to start your own. What’s your “unique selling proposition”? What expertise, hobby, interest or passion for a cause could be the foundation for an organization or club?
Gaining members is easy. It starts with your group of friends, who then select their own friends, and over time, those people bring in even more new and intriguing people.
It doesn’t matter what brings the members togeth- er — as long as it’s an association of people with shared interests, meeting in a specific place (even cyberspace). You’ll benefit from belonging to some- thing larger than yourself. And membership in a club not defined by the boundaries of a specific project or deal will lead to long-lasting friendships.
If elite organizations are closed to you, the best alternative is to start your own. What’s your “unique selling proposition”? What expertise, hobby, interest or passion for a cause could be the foundation for an organization or club?
Gaining members is easy. It starts with your group of friends, who then select their own friends, and over time, those people bring in even more new and intriguing people.
It doesn’t matter what brings the members togeth- er — as long as it’s an association of people with shared interests, meeting in a specific place (even cyberspace). You’ll benefit from belonging to some- thing larger than yourself. And membership in a club not defined by the boundaries of a specific project or deal will lead to long-lasting friendships.
Trading Up and Giving Back
(continued from page 7)
your early mentors what they meant to you and how much they’re responsible for your success.
Find Mentors and Mentees
Successful people know they can’t be their best unless they have a good coach in their corner. Mentoring — a lifelong process of giving and receiving as both master and apprentice — has always been the Holy Grail for those who love to connect people with people. No process in history has done more to facilitate the exchange of information, skills, wisdom and contacts.
By studying those who know more than we do, we expand our horizons. Research has confirmed that whom you associate with is crucial to who you become. If you spend time with successful people, you’re more likely to become successful yourself.
A mentor offers guidance because the mentee promis- es something in return, for example, to use the knowl- edge imparted to make the mentor and his or her firm more successful. The mentor likes the younger person and becomes emotionally invested in his or her advancement.
You can’t simply ask somebody to be personally invested in you. There has to be some reciprocity. Your success is in some way your mentor’s success.
First, give help instead of asking for it. If there’s someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to help that person. If you can’t help specifically, perhaps you can contribute to his or her charity, company or commu- nity. But if there are no immediate opportunities, you must be prudent and conscious of your imposition. Express gratitude, excitement and passion. Eventually, your mentors will see your success also as their own.
Think the plural, “mentors.” You should have multiple mentors, one or more for each of your major personal or professional pursuits. Together, they’ll form a sort of personal “board of advisers.”
Balance Is B.S.
Don’t get stressed out trying to achieve some perfect state of equilibrium. Balance is a mind-set, as individual and unique as a genetic code. Often, our ambitions are so numerous and significant that we find true joy not in balancing distinct components of our lives but by blend- ing them together.
When you don’t have your life mix just right, you’ll know because you’ll be rushed, angry and unfulfilled. But when you’re blending everything nicely, you’ll be joyful, enthusiastic, and full of gratitude.
In the end, we all live one life. And that life is all about the people we live with. People typically hate
(continued from page 7)
your early mentors what they meant to you and how much they’re responsible for your success.
Find Mentors and Mentees
Successful people know they can’t be their best unless they have a good coach in their corner. Mentoring — a lifelong process of giving and receiving as both master and apprentice — has always been the Holy Grail for those who love to connect people with people. No process in history has done more to facilitate the exchange of information, skills, wisdom and contacts.
By studying those who know more than we do, we expand our horizons. Research has confirmed that whom you associate with is crucial to who you become. If you spend time with successful people, you’re more likely to become successful yourself.
A mentor offers guidance because the mentee promis- es something in return, for example, to use the knowl- edge imparted to make the mentor and his or her firm more successful. The mentor likes the younger person and becomes emotionally invested in his or her advancement.
You can’t simply ask somebody to be personally invested in you. There has to be some reciprocity. Your success is in some way your mentor’s success.
First, give help instead of asking for it. If there’s someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to help that person. If you can’t help specifically, perhaps you can contribute to his or her charity, company or commu- nity. But if there are no immediate opportunities, you must be prudent and conscious of your imposition. Express gratitude, excitement and passion. Eventually, your mentors will see your success also as their own.
Think the plural, “mentors.” You should have multiple mentors, one or more for each of your major personal or professional pursuits. Together, they’ll form a sort of personal “board of advisers.”
Balance Is B.S.
Don’t get stressed out trying to achieve some perfect state of equilibrium. Balance is a mind-set, as individual and unique as a genetic code. Often, our ambitions are so numerous and significant that we find true joy not in balancing distinct components of our lives but by blend- ing them together.
When you don’t have your life mix just right, you’ll know because you’ll be rushed, angry and unfulfilled. But when you’re blending everything nicely, you’ll be joyful, enthusiastic, and full of gratitude.
In the end, we all live one life. And that life is all about the people we live with. People typically hate
their jobs because they work
with people they don’t like. But
connecting with others multi-
plies your opportunities to meet
people who can lead you to a
new and exciting job.
Oscar Wilde once said that if a person did what he or she loved, it would feel as if they never worked a day in their life. If your life is filled with people you care about and who care for you, why concern yourself with “balancing” anything at all?
Welcome to the Connected Age
There’s never been a better time to reach out and connect than right now. The more every- one becomes connected to everyone else, the quicker and smoother our ascent toward our goals will be.
Individualism ruled for much of the 19th and 20th centuries. But community and alliances will be the themes of the 21st.
But, ultimately, making your
mark as a connector is less
about reaching personal goals
and more about making a contri-
bution — to your family and
friends, to your company, to
your community, and to the world — by making the best use of your contacts and talents.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best in the world, as long as you also want to be the best for the world. Love, reciprocity and knowledge are not like bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. Creativity begets more creativity, money begets more money, knowledge begets more knowledge, and success begets even more success.
Most important, giving begets giving. Never has this law of abundance been more apparent than in this con- nected age, where the world increasingly functions in accord with networking principles. It’s up to each of us, working together with people we love, to make it a world in which we want to live.
Just remember: You can’t get there alone. We’re all in this together. ■
Oscar Wilde once said that if a person did what he or she loved, it would feel as if they never worked a day in their life. If your life is filled with people you care about and who care for you, why concern yourself with “balancing” anything at all?
Welcome to the Connected Age
There’s never been a better time to reach out and connect than right now. The more every- one becomes connected to everyone else, the quicker and smoother our ascent toward our goals will be.
Individualism ruled for much of the 19th and 20th centuries. But community and alliances will be the themes of the 21st.
But, ultimately, making your
mark as a connector is less
about reaching personal goals
and more about making a contri-
bution — to your family and
friends, to your company, to
your community, and to the world — by making the best use of your contacts and talents.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best in the world, as long as you also want to be the best for the world. Love, reciprocity and knowledge are not like bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. Creativity begets more creativity, money begets more money, knowledge begets more knowledge, and success begets even more success.
Most important, giving begets giving. Never has this law of abundance been more apparent than in this con- nected age, where the world increasingly functions in accord with networking principles. It’s up to each of us, working together with people we love, to make it a world in which we want to live.
Just remember: You can’t get there alone. We’re all in this together. ■
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